Wake Me Up....When September Ends....

I had a dream about my Mom last night. Or I think anyways. It's weird. I rarely dream about her. But when I do they're always like this. She's never really right there. I just know she is....I feel she is....I might catch a glimpse or two of her....but I never actually speak to her, nor does she speak to me....and no one else that is with me in the dream ever sees her there even when I do. Other times I wake up and don't really remember at all anything but knowing that she was there in my dream- I don't know how to explain it other than I just know. A few days before she died I had a dream about her- it was like I was above her hospital room seeing her. That was it though- nothing said or done...she was in the coma in reality and my dream both. The night before the funeral I had a dream about her too- we were all at my Aunt's house for some sort of family gathering. Most everyone was outside and I was on my way....the phone rang as I passed it and I picked up like I normall would *shrugs* lol. Only it was her. It was her voice even (I say that like I remember...I can't remember her voice anymore...but I know at the time it was...)- but it was so carefree and like no big deal. It consisted of oh hey Mom....yeah....the boys just got here....Ty's on his way- he's doing really well in school btw....I'm glad you called....blah blah blah- all the while by her tone it was as if she were just humoring me and she knew everything I said already. I asked how she was doing.....she said great.....and that she was waiting on Tatia (pron. tay-sha fyi...it annoys me when people say it wrong- even in their mind reading *rolls eyes* lol) to get there. Tatia is my sister who was stillborn- she'd be 22 now. Anyhow....I'm like okay great....welp I better go Mom....talk to you later bye. And that was that. That was the only active dream I've ever had about her. Ever. After that they've all been like what I described first. I guess it's not bad or anything....just saying *shrugs*. Sometimes I wake up somewhat comforted.....sometimes I feel sad.....other times I just think about her a lot.

Her birthday is next week- September 11th....weird now lol. And yeah I said IS. I hate when you say something like that and get corrected with "was" by some people. Jason did that the first year. I was livid pissed....got mad, started to cry, and told him that just because someone dies doesn't mean they never lived. September 11th IS her birthday. It will always be her birthday. Just because she died doesn't mean she never entered the world and existed- you can't just erase the facts. But anyhow...this is my kickoff for things. There are always certain times that pop up in which you really miss someone you've loved and lost like that more than normal. Most people say holidays.....that sort of thing. For me it's my Mom's birthday, my birthday, and Christmas. The last few years I almost dread my birthday- I can't seem to get most people to understand why, but Nicolle and I talked about it awhile last year. She was talking about her neice- Jessie's birthday is in October too and Nicolle was saying she doesn't know really what she feels (Nicolle's sister/Jessie's Mom was shot and killed by her soon to be ex husband a couple of years ago....Jessie was 6 then....) as far as thinking of her Mom around then and what not. I just said that for me....I dunno....it was always a day she made a huge deal about....it was a special thing. Then when I had Jaeli, I guess I feel like I got even another perspective....its not so much just me missing her and the big deal surrounding my big day. It's more that I know now that that particular day will never mean to anyone else what it meant to her. It's like with Jaeli....her birthday....is probably hands down the best day of my entire life thus far- it's beyond important- it was a complete change in my life, and love and feelings that I never knew would be quite what they were from the get go. Yet I know that to other people....sure its special or whatever....but it isn't, and will never be, what it is to me. I guess it just is a time that presents to me exactly what I miss without her? I dunno. I do know.....that I hate the good month or so between the two- its like dreading something. I shouldn't dread such things....I just have yet to find a better alternative lol *shrugs*.

I think things are hard too b/c I can't remember so many little things now- like her voice. It makes me feel stupid that I can't remember a voice I heard nearly every day for most of my life, but I can't. My sister always tells me I have her hands.....I don't remember those either *shrugs*- I told her I'd take her word for it though lol;) Then after having Jaeli.....I've run into so many things that I have to stop and then think gosh....if only I could ask her this one thing....She's the only person with the answers to so many of my questions (believe me...I took my GM's advice and asked my dad some things and he never remembers *rolls eyes* lol). Granted most are probably just petty things about how I was as a child or at whatever age or stage Jaeli happens to be in or things like that. But man....boy have I realized how much people take for granted those small simple things. It seems like insignificant information until there's no one here to give it to you anymore. Poor Jaeli will have an abundance of information if something ever happened to me lol *rolls eyes*. I have three pregnancy journals packed with everything you'd ever wanna know....then the end of one of those goes into after she was born and towards her 1st birthday. I started a new one for her 1st birthday for the following year....then just started a new one for her 2nd birthday and this next year. Plus her baby book. I'm slightly anal about that I guess lol....it makes me feel better though *shrugs* so whatever. I don't plan on going anyplace in the next billion years or anything;) But I suppose its a comfort thing to know she'd never feel like I have to or wonder about anything that I do, if God forbid I wasn't around for those things in her life. Plus, it's neat to go back and look at for me too. Becca laughed at me for all my pregnancy journaling, until she got pregnant and I gave her one;) She's not as good with recording stuff as I was and is amazed at all the little things that happened that I wrote about at the random end ot my days that are neat or funny or whatever....that she'd never remember later. Like in mine.....the night that I knocked over some bottles from the side of the tub into it and it was all loud and stuff- Jason had already gone to bed. I go to turn and get them picked up and in he busts flipping out about am I okay and blah blah blah. I looked up and laughed....I was like good lord...what do you think happened?!? When it hit me that he thought I'd fallen lol. I was like well gee thanks babe *rolls eyes* as he gets pissy and exclaims as he stomps off "well....you are HUGELY pregnant ya know!" Um okay. Hee hee. I'd forgotten until we were flipping through one;)

In other news....I went to drop off my sister's fundraiser thing, and Kalaeb was the only one home (little brother yo). He wanted to come over....so I had him call Ken to be sure it was alright, and then he rode his bike down a little later. We took him to McDonalds lol (it amuses me how kids think that's THE place to go when you have the option to choose any restaurant you want!!! I made do...but its not my idea of dinner lol)- he's a Big Mac freak. We had fun....it was good to see him....we hadn't in awhile. He thinks Jason is IT and always has. So he had fun hanging with him. And he thinks Jaeli is fabulous so that was fun for her. He didn't hear that Ashley was having twins yet! So he was all impressed and counting- that will mean he's got 4 neices and 2 nephews.....he claims that's cool....b/c he's only 11 lol;) I was like yeah...that's what happens when you're a good 15 years younger than your oldest siblings lol. Anyway- we had fun....then I took him over to Ken's Mom's where the rest of them were and visited with Kenadaey. I got her another order from Ty and Trista I gave her and then told her she'd have to come by herself next time- Kalaeb somehow has pulled that off every time but one lol, so she's stuck at home or doing something with the parents while he's hanging with us lol.

Welp I better get off here and get moving. I've gotta go with Nicolle at 3p to have my dress fitted at the alteration lady's house (its too big yo....holla! lol;) last time I had to have one done it was b/c the belly area needed to make room for Jaelibug when we went to Jamaica for Erica's wedding lol). Jason's out there helping Scott dig post holes and put up a fence....I'm not really into fences....and dirt....and hot....so Jae and I are waiting a bit to go (I know...I suck *shrugs*) and then we've gotta go to Wichita to mail out Jason's NewBalance shoes. This testing period is over so he had to fill out all the paperwork and his opinions and the wear and tear on the shoes. It's really kind of neat how they do this and have real people as the "testers" or whatever. He isn't very impressed with this pair lol- the last ones were better I guess.

Alrighty that's that. Hope everyone has a great weekend! And Brooke- I'll email you the links on my ebay bows....I tried getting them up last night and the flippin' Auctiva was malfunctioning on me and freezing up...grrr!!