I hate titles.

There should be a button up there you can just hit and magically get a creative title with. Bleh.

Today.....well.....was today *sigh*. I'm frusturated like you wouldn't believe right now. And I feel bad for it :( But gah. I really think that these days Coop is bringing out the worst in my kid. She's so fun and sweet and....well just her....and then he's here and by mid-afternoon- she's whining and throwing fits and being a grump....just like he always does *sighs*. What's most frusturating is that she knows it doesn't work for him (he can go right ahead and throw himself down if he wants to....that crap soooo does not fly with Aunt T- period....though it never seems to matter lol *rolls eyes*- the fit gets thrown anyways until he's sick of it and not getting any attention and gives it up...)- just as he does really- yet it doesn't matter....its the same damn thing every day. I cannot spend the next lord knows how long doing that....I just can't. It's just getting worse all the time it seems like. He's always been a little bit on the whiney side and was kind of a.....well.....weenie, for being the boy child of Nicolle and Scott anyways (that sounds bad but if you knew them- and her nephews- you'd get what I mean, so humor me). But now....the first word that comes to mind isn't difficult or high needs or anything like that....its just bratty. Honestly I think Nicolle is beginning to feel the same stress over all the whining and crying and fits- but she wouldn't just outright say so, ya know? I can just tell by the tone of her voice when that's the first thing he starts in with as she walks in the door- almost like here we go again....ug. He's all into the "mine!" stage right now.....which I know is normal or whatever at some point- maybe I just am not used to it b/c Jaeli never really did that. I guess b/c everything was only hers? I dunno. But the same goes for him if that's how I want to think of it. Every single thing she sat down to play with or do today.....I shit you not.....he came over and tore right out of her hands. Everything. Dolls....her Barbie Car....then her coloring book and crayons....her sippy cup....her plate at lunch time....her tutu....the necklace (that was AROUND her neck mind you!)....Everything. Ya know....when I have her sitting down working on her little workbook thing she's got (its just letters/colors/numbers...nothing too spectacular), I have ones for him to scribble on- he'll usually sit in my lap and do his own thing while we watch her do hers- so its not like I do things with her that ever don't include him too- its impossible to even try if I wanted to, b/c he'd be all up in the midst of me if I bothered. If she sits on my lap- he gets pissy and comes over and either tries pushing her over or away, or says screw it and sits on her. By afternoon time, she's pissy....I'm pissy....we're all tired. And it just sucks. The last month or so I can honestly say that I've been thinking omg I can't wait until 5 gets here....I am sooo ready for her to pick him up....and the closer it gets to when she should have been here I'm getting uptight that she's going to be late and I'm about to lose my damn mind. I feel soooo crappy though for thinking that way :( I'm sure my kid is as frusturating as hers can be....but its hard to think that way in the midst of such days. Its also frusturating b/c I know how much Jaeli adores "Poo"- she can't wait for him to wake up from his naps, and is liable to sneak in and get him up herself. We go all weekend and every morning she gets up the first thing she wants to do is run in and look in "Poo's bed" (her pack-n-play that I put up in our room for him) for him, and then all I hear is "where Poo?" "I won Poo!!" *sighs*. While I'm secretly going....well I don't!! What the hell guys?!? The whole situation has always worked out perfectly for us all- until the last couple of months when they've transformed into these mini-monsters all of the sudden. There's got to be something wrong with me lol. I keep thinking okay its got to be a me thing....what's different....it's never been like that before- but then it always comes back to him getting older and more independent and all this "mine" crap. I don't know what to do to try and settle things back down anymore *shrugs*. That's sucky and frusturating. I like being able to be home with them....but holy crap- at this point I'm going to have to stop keeping him sooner or later if we can't come up with a better balance.....or they're gonna end up commiting me. For real yo. Into one of those padded cell things and all....Ug! Ya know.....I love the mornings with Jae now- she's so funny and talkative and I dunno....its almost sort of 'our' time (like she has to have the Dad time every night before bedtime with Jase- they always lay on the couch watching something and just chill out.....she won't do that with me at night, she's gotta have Daddy....its like opposite in the mornings these days if that makes sense), but now when I think awww....I can't wait for her to get up tomorrow.....I think oh crap.....yes I can....I'm not ready for Coop to be back *bangs head on wall*. Someone tell me I'm not a horrible Mom and Best friend for thinking all this, would ya? Lol;)

In other news- hey Ames: I'm happy to report that I checked my cox email today and gee what do you know- a reply from the Westat company *rolls eyes*. Yeah its only been there for a week or something *rolls eyes*. I must have had a momentary lapse of memory and put that email in instead of the hotmail one I use all the time now (I friggin hate that cox email....its stupid....bleh) :( I suck. And I rarely check the cox one- just every once in awhile to clean it out *shrugs*. So I called back and did the voice thing tonight too. I had replies from two other places too that I'd looked up....that I can't really remember about but hey whatever *shrugs*. Oh yes....and that West straightened my account out and want me to train for the HSN line- ug. I am....slowly. I'm not enthused but whatever *shrugs*. In other news.....I applied for an apprenticeship for medical transcription programs. Cross your fingers I get one- that'll make it easier to get my foot in the door elsewhere.

My little brother got busted and is grounded for at least a month lol. I talked to Jean for awhile today and she told me the story. Basically he lied about where he was going and went to a party instead. He got home around when his curfew was and my stepdad was in the kitchen doing the dishes (okay and being me that is soooo a red flag that Steve didn't believe the story totally to start with- but maybe that's b/c I'm 25 and know that by now lol *shrugs* but whatever....Jean just said it like he was randomly still up doing them- I don't buy that lol)- Colb goes in and quickly says oh hey Dad....don't worry about those, I can do them in the morning....and then immediately goes downstairs (his room is down there...he's got the basement pretty well to himself for the most part really) all weirdly. Steve follows him (mind you my stepdad can be a rather in your face scary kinda guy....he's got Abby's bf scared to death of him lol (without even trying lol)....by now he and Jason know each other well and he likes him a lot....but Jase still knows if he screwed me over he'd better keep an eye out for Steve and the shotgun.....he's just that redneck kinda guy lol *shrugs*). The thing that pisses him off most is lying, and Colby knows better- so he screwed himself over to start *rolls eyes*. He'd have probably been cool with letting him even go to a party in the first place had Colby said so. However....he didn't. Steve was livid pissed....plus it was obvious when he was all up in Colb's face being livid pissed about that part of things that Colby was slightly....well....drunk *rolls eyes*. Jackass. He's 15....he'll be 16 in like what, a month or two. Anyhow- that in combination with lying the past two weeks about several things (including detention....he lied to Jean on the phone and said he was late coming home b/c he waited for a friend who had detention- not knowing that the school had called to let Jean know lol) has him in "lockdown" as he put it, for a month. He's doing this emo hater thing and being pissed off at me too apparently. I got on my MySpace tonight (I left him a note after his "lockdown" announcement) and he comments it's nothing to worry about, and then a sentence about why do I have to tell Jean everything he says on MySpace anyways....??? *rolls eyes* at Emo boy (who would yell at me that he's not Emo....he's Scene (or Seen....or what the fuck ever these crazy punk ass kids with the dark hair, freaky makeup, and depressive personalities say they are at the time *rolls eyes*....whatever happened to just being okay with being cute, athletic, and popular?!? Geesh. That worked for me *shrugs*) ). I had to laugh. The only thing Jean and I have ever discussed that had to do with MySpace and/or him.....is his language- its bulletin after bulletin- fuck this...fuck that...fuck you....ect. Jean commented that they've been getting some feedback that he's running his mouth, and in particular towards some girls- referring to some incidents where he posted some bulletins that he probably shouldn't have, and that if the right parents saw....would probably cause some problems for him.....All I said was that I agreed and it suprised me some of the things he'd been posting. Eh- I guess that qualified enough to mean I'm taking a parent point of view and not the loyal sibling one *rolls eyes*. What the hell ever. I know more than he knows I know (yeah- you like how that was written lol?) about some 'partying' he's been into for awhile now....and my mouth has sooo not even kinda opened thank you very much. He's gonna mouth off to the wrong person and be in some trouble one of these days.....that or get into trouble with the drinking.....he's doing far more of it than they realize.....and being that he's 15 and all he thinks he knows all and can outsmart everyone else on the face of the planet. That's gonna bite him in the ass sooner or later too:/

My youngest sister, Kenadaey, showed up today at our door;) She's selling stuff for a school fundraiser lol;) Kenadaey and Kalaeb are the youngest of my siblings....from my Mom's third marriage- and they live here in Augusta too. In fact in the same house my Mom and Ken bought and we lived in when they were together (which still has some of her knick nacs and pictures hung in the same original spot she'd put them in back in the day....talk about bizzare to walk in there now lol!). I went out and briefly talked to Cherilyn before they left, as she and the other kids were in the car while Kenadaey came in. I suck sister wise with them, I know. I pretty much laid it out like that to her lol- I was like hey, anytime they want to come over we'd love to have them....and I don't ever want them to think otherwise. I haven't been good about contacting them or going over there since we moved back around here, and I feel bad for that- but at the same time I don't know exactly what to do to fix it either, ya know? I told her then like Abby and I got into it before about me being too motherly and not sisterly. Its habit. Its just me and how I am. I HAD to be that way with them- I didn't have a choice. My Mom was gone....I had to make sure they were fed, bathed, and put to bed. It was something I grew up with- something that was 'normal' to me. It's been really really hard for me to try and back off and change that.....frankly b/c I don't know how *shrugs*. I've not just gotten to be the sister....I was always stuck in the caring for situation and that's that. I'm glad for that to an extent. It makes me who I am. And in some ways it makes me feel like I have a good part of her with me, b/c of the things that I picked up from her and how she raised me. However....it also put me in a bad situation b/c I never was just a sister. Never. I don't know how to not be concerned. I don't think I lecture....but they think I do lol;) Ya know? Abby was like why can't you just listen to me and not ask me questions....or why can't you just laugh and not say well ya know....blah blah blah. Um okay....my feelings were pretty hurt lol, b/c I didn't see myself that way *shrugs*. Therefore backing off of that motherly instinct in me hasn't been easy- and I think with Kalaeb and Kenadaey I've sucked with this sister thing b/c I just don't know where to start. I don't know how to be just this fabulous sister....I think a lot of that is because of our age difference. I was 16 when Kenadaey was born. She's 10 now....I'm 25. But I feel like I'm freakin' 40 as far as that goes. I feel like I'm babysitting or in charge or something *rolls eyes*- I don't want to be that way with them....but I don't know how to be different either. Maybe its fear? I dunno. I guess part of it is. Like about my Mom. I don't know what they remember....or what they think....or if they're going to ask me about her....or whatever, ya know? After she died (they were like 2 and 3 then...) our family acted like I was Mom reincarnated or something *rolls eyes*. I had to pick them up and take them back for family get togethers....I had to call and see how they were and report back to the grandparents....at one point it made me angry at them b/c I'm not my Mom. They all bitched about me having to grow up fast and watch kids all the time growing up....and here they are shoving this responsibility on me again...and she bailed for good this time....so wtf?!? I had to do all that for Christmas a few years after she died. On the way they brought up Mom some. Kalaeb told me that all he remembered was that their Dad told them that I called the house b/c Mom was supposed to pick them up from their visitation that night and couldn't b/c she was really sick....and that I had to sign and take her someplace kinda far away b/c she was so sick.....and that I called him later to tell him that Mom had died....and that Ken told them that I did everything I could to help her....and then they had to live with him and Cherilyn. I dunno....I guess adding that convo into the rest of the visit and the way everyone acted...as if I were the only one to care for them and all.....just was too much pressure- so I just quit doing it all. My grandparents had to start *shrugs*. I think that was good. But I also think it contributed to me not really knowing exactly how to forge a relationship with them later too. It's just such a weird situation. Anyways....Cherilyn was really nice- she was all you're not a crappy sister....they know you care about them....its just a crazy situation for everyone....and so on. Anyhow I got the point across that she and Kalaeb are more than welcome any time....and if they're wondering about me or any of the rest of the kids they can always pick up the phone and call and bitch at me for not calling them first- sometimes I need that lol;) It was good I think. And progress. I feel better about myself anyways lol- I've thought about just calling her or Ken and talking to them about how I was feeling for awhile and just haven't really known how to go about it (we never got along when I lived with him and Mom....he was an ass....and I did everything I could at the end to make him miserable lol....yet I'm the only one he's cordial to....even talkative with! its just freakin' weird yo....I swear I think I was switched at birth with someone else.....crazy family I ended up with....geez...).

Okay now that I've written a book I better sum things up and get going. I'm tired. G'night!!